some guy from a museum talks to some other guy who was in some band like 30 years ago about what things were like back when Ronald Reagan was president and how KISS is not a very good band

Of all the many, many enraging things about hipsters, perhaps the most irritating one is the massive gulf between how advanced they THINK they are vs how advanced they ACTUALLY are. For as much as they seem to think they are way ahead of the curve, in reality they are laughably out of touch with stuff that’s actually relevant. For example, they’ll act like some local indie rock band who always plays at the dive bar down the street is the shit but they’ve never heard of 5 SECONDS OF SUMMER– I literally think that middle school girls on Tumblr are more advanced than twentysomething hipsters. I mean, at least middle school girls actually know what’s popular.

Henry Rollins is the punk equivalent of Al Bundy– I mean, the guy was in Black Flag for like 5 years and he’s been boasting about his ‘glory days’ for decades. He’s literally spent 6 times longer TALKING ABOUT Black Flag than he did playing shows with them. Leave it to NPR to act like shit that happened at a Black Flag show in 1983 is breaking news!

Along the same lines, it annoys me to no end how hipsters have recently discovered 80s hardcore and all of a sudden they’re the authorities on what REAL hardcore is. Like, WOW congratulations on discovering super obscure bands like BLACK FLAG, THE DESCENDENTS and NOFX! Congratulations on listening to shit that I was bumping in my walkman in like fucking 1990.

LOL @ mixing JAWBREAKER in with BLACK FLAG and DESCENDENTS. I love this kind of totally lulzy lack of historical awareness– you can totally tell this is some tool who learned about “real hardcore” from reading Last.fm pages. why not throw an OFFSPRING sticker on there too lol

Or like how crappy, entry-level publications like The Village Voice discovered CRO-MAGS in like 2012, even though they were too busy fawning over SONIC YOUTH or LYDIA LUNCH to write a word about CRO-MAGS, AF, or YOUTH OF TODAY when they were actually relevant. They wouldn’t touch any of that shit with a 10 foot pole in the 80s, although you’d never know it from how they crow about those bands (using lots of ‘rock journalist’ words like ‘seminal’ to describe them).  But they don’t let being 3 decades too late to the party stop them from getting up on their high horse and lecturing you about what is and is not *real* punk!

Danzig jokes in 2014?! are u fucking cereal?? to put in perspective how stale, played out, and entry level this is, making jokes about Lance Bass being gay or doing your Napoleon Dynamite impression would be a full two decades more relevant than Danzig references in 2014.

Never thought I’d see the day when hipsters were jizzing over PANTERA, but here we are. what a time to be alive.

I think what it comes down to is that hipsters are weak, insecure people who are afraid to like anything until the dust settles and it’s clear what is and isn’t acceptable to like (especially since their whole identity is based on what kinds of media they consume). That usually means that they only like old stuff, or new stuff that blatantly copies old stuff (“we don’t pay attention to what’s trendy these days, our influences are bands like [some boring shitty dad band from 30 years ago]– you know, REAL music”). Which is why you get fat old hacks from NPR and the Smithsonian showing up 30 years late to the party– can’t wait for them to call ASKING ALEXANDRIA “seminal” in 2044!

YOU SAY THE DAMNED, I SAY THE SUMMER SET.
YOU SAY SONIC YOUTH, I SAY ATTILA.
YOU SAY AGNOSTIC FRONT, I SAY SUICIDE SILENCE.
YOU SAY RAMONES, I SAY ISSUES.
LMS IF UR ONE OF THE 3% OF TEENS WHO ARE ADVANCED ENOUGH TO LIKE SHIT THAT’S ACTUALLY RELEVANT.

There are very very VERY few people in -core bands who are what you could call “real musicians.” And by that I mean, people who could actually play music that will be enjoyed by a fanbase other than teenage girls with low self-esteem who are looking for a strong male figure in their lives– you know, REAL MUSIC like they play on the radio. Our boys in ISSUES are among that select group of ‘real musicians’, driven in large part by TYLER ‘The Scene Game Justin Timberlake’ CARTER’s unreal vocals.

This PARAMORE cover from “Punk Goes Pop Vol 6″ (ft Luke Holland from THE WORD ALIVE on drums) is straight up top 40 material, no joke. Could totally imagine this showing up on my Spotify “Teen Party” playlist, right next to TWENTY ONE PILOTS and IMAGINE DRAGONS. Ironically, it’s actually more pop than the original, which is kind of awesome.

Also, you’ll love the video which cuts between Tyler n Luke in the studio and them taking a break, letting off some steam by taking off their shirts and cavorting on the beach. Nothing like watching a couple good-looking young guys having some wholesome fun in the sun!!

(ft Samantha from GUTTURAL SLUG on vocals)

If u love Sergeant D and controversial new artists ENPEDESTALMENT, please visit them on Bandcamp and purchase one of their releases (we recommend the ENPEDESTALMENT/DEPRESSED TEENAGER “Love Slam” split 7″). Please note that a real supporter of Sergeant D will *PURCHASE* his music, not simply take advantage of his willingness to provide free downloads!!!

LIKE ENPEDESTALMENT ON FACEBOOK

feeling super embarrassed that not only does grandpa jello have an excessively strong, unsolicited opinion about selfies, he can’t even figure out how to take a horizontal video so it fits nicely on youtube. also the part at the very end where he calls it ‘farcebook’ *cringe emoji*

Only thing that could have made this more perfect would be a zany genre description like “crunk / reggae / grindcore”

Lately I’ve spent a lot of time complaining about sites like Noisey and NPR jizzing over 80s/90s hardcore– people who would never dream of giving it a word of praise when it was actually relevant. And while I am sure that I will spend a great deal more time complaining about that in the future, in the mean time I thought I would give a shoutout to my friends at NO ECHO.

NO ECHO is a relatively new site run by my IRL friend Carlos Ramirez, a Queens native who played in the power violence band BLACK ARMY JACKET, and my internet friend Andrew who did the excellent site Aversionline for quite a few years. Think of it as Noisey, only if instead of new jack hipsters, it was run by guys who were actually part of the 90s hardcore scene– who actually went to go see bands like MERAUDER play to 14 people in some Brooklyn shithold rather than just sing their praises on Instagram.

If you’re not into NYC MAYHEM, we’re not friends

The site covers way more than just hardcore/metal, but if you’re reading this that’s probably the stuff you will be most interested in. I really dig their interviews for being a great balance of genuine appreciation of the “good old days” with the perspective that comes from age. Do yourself a favor and dig thru the entire archives, but here’s a few favorites of mine:

Beto from DMIZE/25 TA LIFE/MADBALL

Freddy Madball

Rob Escheverria of STRAIGHT AHEAD, BIOHAZARD, HELMET, etc

The graffiti/hardcore connection

The Sunset Skins (w Minus and Jorge of MERAUDER)

“Look with Cook!”

It’s been a rough couple years for the boys in FTSK. Not only did they lose their main songwriter (Caleb), but singer Jonathan Cook got arrested for selling fake watches on eBay AND was sued for several million dollars by Rolex for trademark infringement. Something tells me that FTSK isn’t exactly raking in the cash these days, so it looks like he is looking toward the real estate game to pay those legal fees.

Jonathan’s appearance on D-level reality show Shipping Wars. As u can see, he is dripping in whatever the opposite of charisma is.

On the one hand, I feel kinda bad for kicking the guy while he’s down. And really, becoming a real estate agent is much less embarrassing than keeping FTSK together and wearing neon snapbacks at 32 years old. On the other hand, he is by all accounts kind of a creep and a bit of a dick so whatever. The main takeaway here is that this is the endgame for band guys: eventually the band runs out of steam, and you’re in your 30′s trying to start a career– only you’re 10 years behind your peers because you spent the last decade in a van instead of going to school or building your resume.

And remember, FTSK were more far more successful than literally 99.99% of bands, on a major label and everything. So this is actually an example of the UPPER end of outcomes for post-band life… at least he’s not barbacking or answering the phones at a tattoo shop like some guy who was in DONNYBROOK or TERROR for 1.5 tours :/

Their latest video. Bums me out a) how crappy the song is and b) how they all look so old and haggard and dirty :/

if ur looking to buy an empty lot in the Dallas suburbs, Jonathan has you covered!

‘A bit different than a typical music video’ = him sitting in the back of the mini cooper with the back hatch open while ms mullins drives

CREDIT: http://turkeyforlife.tumblr.com/post/102982629643

Our friends in GOLIATH just dropped this new single featuring John from WINDS OF PLAGUE. You might notice that it is by far their best sounding material yet, courtesy of Eyal Levi. If you like this, stay tuned for more– they just tracked an EP with Eyal that should be out early next year.

Now, if we can only get Michael to write a song that’s less than 5 goddamn minutes long…

Since Vice/Noisey seem to like borrowing my ideas (1, 2), I figured I might as well at least feed them some good ones. And with their fawning over ancient hardcore at an all-time high, what better place to start than by helping them decide on the next fossilized hc band to jizz over?? Below are a few suggestions, along with my best guess as to how likely it will be to happen:

MDC
Likelihood of it happening: MODERATE. In addition to being a highly influential and awesome band, MDC sang a lot about things that over-educated white liberals like such as hating the cops and being gay.

SICK OF IT ALL
Likelihood of it happening: MODERATE. Given how much they jizz over their peers like CRO-MAGS, you would think that the Noisey crowd would be into the only NYHC band who has actually stayed active since the 80s: SOIA. But maybe that is the problem– because they never broke up or stopped putting out music, they are not mysterious or exotic enough to qualify. Plus they are chill, even-tempered guys who don’t do anything cool like stab people at shows, so there’s no zany stories to talk about in the Brooklyn Vegan comments.

DRI/COC/JFA/all the other 3-letter-acronym thrash bands
Likelihood of it happening: LOW. Despite the fact that there is a whole genre of current bands devoted solely to imitating every single detail about these bands, for whatever reason they seem to have no real currency these days. Maybe it’s because almost all of them put out 5-10 horrible metal/rock albums after their awesome debut albums, or maybe because they were too dirty and scummy (in an uncool, “that burned out guy who lives in a trailer down the street” kind of way)? IDK, but they don’t seem to be on the hipster radar. Too bad, I loved all this shit.

DAG NASTY
Likelihood of it happening: HIGH. I really need to do a longer post about this band, because not only did they pretty much single-handedly invent the “hardcore kids playing catchy rock songs” thing, they are really really fucking good. In any case, the Noisey crowd can’t gargle the DC scene’s balls hard enough, and once MINOR THREAT/BAD BRAINS worship is passe, I expect that they will move on to DAG NASTY at some point.

SUICIDAL TENDENCIES
Likelihood of it happening: MODERATELY HIGH. Incredibly influential, universal loved first album + cool gangster image = total Noisey fodder. You have to weigh those against the rest of their decidedly non-hipster-friendly catalog (a mix of very good thrash and very mediocre punk), but the NPR crowd has shown an ability to overlook the crappy parts of a band’s career as long as their first 7″/LP is good. Plus, the band is over 30 years old which means that hipsters and art students should be discovering them for the first time any day now.

rule of thumb: when ur hairline looks like Nicolas Cage’s, u should probably stop playing scene music

Those of you who have been with SYWH since the beginning will remember that I was big on the crunkcore scene back in 2009-2010. Like any other genre, 95% of it was crap, but I thought the biggest bands in the genre had some potential to be legit crossover artists. Five years later, the dust has settled and the verdict on crunkcore is pretty clear. HOLLYWOOD UNDEAD are a giant rock band (their most recent album was #2 on Billboard and went gold), so I was basically right about them. MILLIONAIRES completely fizzled, yet still cling to existence even though absolutely nobody cares. But on the bright side, at least Allison got porn-level hot and her Instagram is fun to lurk.

Their latest single features Deuce (formerly of HOLLYWOOD UNDEAD), who fell off even harder than MILLIONAIRES. It literally sounds like when you restart your browser and accidentally have like 4 Youtube tabs open at once, all playing a different song :/ The vocals aren’t even in the same key as the rest of the song.

Which brings us to the sad case of BROKENCYDE, who are inexplicably still a band in 2014. In most cases I would insert some kind of snarky comment about what losers they probably have days jobs delivering pizzas or something, but I think this is one of those cases where these guys literally aren’t cut out for anything other than being in a band. And I legitimately feel bad for them, because they clearly don’t have what it takes to survive in the “real world,” but they are also terrible at making music.

If you thought the first song was bad, check out their previous single “I Hate You,” which is just shockingly awful. If you are familiar with their mixtape days circa 2007, it’s kind of like that only somehow even worse.

I feel like there should be some kind “scene counselor outreach program,” where we go around to the backstage of the shot, D-level venues that play host to all the washed up scene bands who refuse to die and try to help them transition to a new life. Sure, working 14-hour days at a cardboard box factory next to some dude who just got out of the joint for selling meth might not be the most glamorous life, but it’s gotta beat being in BROKENCYDE in 2015, right?

I’ve been saying for a while now that a neon/ez revival is not too far off in the distance. I know it sounds crazy, what with tr00 pop-punk and 90s alternative rock-worship at an all time high, but you know what? They called Gallileo a fool too!

While I think we are still a ways out from a full-on revival or genre sea-change, I do think that we’re starting to see the early signs of it, as evidenced by these three new bands that could have easily been in one of Uppercut’s “bands who never went anywhere then broke up” posts about random ez bands from 2009. The one crucial detail here is that while they all SOUND like they’re from 2009, they don’t LOOK like it– which is my prediction for how the revival will go down. Expect bands that take their sonic cues from early FYS and ME VS HERO, but their fashion cues from H&M.

imo ALIVE IN STANDBY are the best of this crop, coming off something like FTSK meets FOUR YEAR STRONG (when they were actually good). Really top-notch stuff that could have been on some disaster of tour that played C-market VFW halls in 2009 with CITY LIGHTS and BOYS WILL BE BOYS. Bonus points for the singer’s “Flip coconut head.”

MFW there is a band in 2014 called CRUNKASAURUS REX and they are actually pretty good! Kinda reminds me of BROADWAY if they were a little less breakdown-laden. Easily the worst/best band name I have heard since CHUNK NO CAPTAIN CHUNK.

And finally we have some band called CHOKING AMBER, whose name has a weird “rapey buttrock band” vibe, but are actually a bunch of kids who are trying their best to look like TSSF and sound like a generic neon/ez band like, say, FRESHMAN 15 or something.

The soundtrack to low testosterone is here, accompanied by a dull video of some old guy stumbling around on a boat. Surprised they didn’t shoot the video on Betamax and beg MTV to resurrect 120 Minutes or SuperRock just to premiere it– I can totally picture Matt Pinfield gushing about it, right before they cut to a commercial for Pilotwings and F-Zero for SNES.

Glad to see that nick has cleaned his look up a bit, i was kind of worried after he looked more and more like a tweaker from modesto with every passing TERROR tour

You probably know Nick Jett as the drummer for TERROR, or possibly as the brains behind “booty smell good doe” (trigger warning: creepy hardcore guys sniffing girls butts). Or maybe you even know him from his baffling, post-ironic rap project NASTY POSSE. While the direction of his many projects is kind of all over the place, the one thing that unites all of them is that they tend to leave you scratching your head and thinking to yourself, “I can’t tell if he is joking or not. And if he is joking, what exactly is the joke?” Which bring us to the latest confusing, presumably post-ironic project in his portfolio, DEM NICE, also ft JJ Peters of DEEZ NUTS:

Listening to this makes me feel weird and bad inside, like when you are standing around in high school and out of nowhere one of the popular girls starts talking to you and being really nice to you, and on the one hand you can’t help but want to be stoked but on the other hand you won’t let yourself because you’re sure that it’s just some mean-spirited prank, and as soon as you show any kind of genuine enthusiasm, she will do something horribly cruel and you’ll be embarrassed in front of everyone.

The starter pack meme is pretty played out, but I couldn’t pass this one up! Not sure who made it, credit to Josh McBain for awaring me to it

People complaining about “14 year old scene kids” liking BMTH?!! Mind = fucking blown. We knew this day would arrive, but I don’t think any of us expected it to come so soon. What a time to be alive.

(thx to daniel penney for awaring me to this)

the house on the upper right is the dagger

sad 4u, BAYSIDE. u guys should know better than to turn into bitter old men who repeat the cycle of “last’s years ‘trendy bullshit for teenagers who shop at the mall’ is this year’s Real Music.” from what i understand, these guys have some kind of roots in DIY hardcore, so i naively held out hope that they wouldn’t turn into crabby old men who turn their back on the scene that built their careers and premiere songs on Billboard.com. lol @ me.